Holiday Blindness

So the holidays are here, that time of year that people look forward to because it's the time of year when families old and young, far and close draw near to one another. Maybe not physically but they feel that closeness and that bond. Families gather in hopes of reminiscing on past memories and humorous stories, and there's always a somber loving warmth to that holiday together. Most generally we see people caring for strangers and being there for loved ones when any other time of the year they'd be forgotten. This year is no different in some instances.

However this year in some instances have changed....

I don't know how to write about this, I don't even know where to begin in all honesty. There's something to be said to be in your 20's feeling the world at your fingertips, feeling like you can go anywhere and do anything and there is nothing that can stop you, your young and your invincible. Then it happens... Life happens.... your flying high in the clouds and then a brick get's tied to your foot and pulls you down low in the valley. The brick you ask? Cancer. Not my cancer, not my husband having cancer, but a very close and important relative, I choose not to share the name or the relation because it's not relevant to what I am trying to express and it's not my story to share. I am the person on the outside looking in the window to this brick, I am the person who while flying high looks at the ground and sees the reality of what's going on all around. There is an amazingly scary thing that happens when a loved one has cancer, while hearing the news and processing it and living so close to it knocks the breath out of you single handedly it also draws a force stronger than a tornado, stronger than a hurricane and it's family.

The past few years in my life Christmas has had many scary moments, last year my grandfather in a nursing home one of my biggest nightmares come true, the year before my amazing sweet little cousin having multiple surgeries and the year before that even more. I can't begin to fathom the great devestation that my family has seen... That I have seen. Yet somehow each Christmas wasn't tainted, each Christmas came out with some loving memories, each Christmas I experienced a free gift but a gift that means the world and that's unconditional love. I know there are many people who don't have family that are close, or who have separated themselves from family in fear, or shame or hurt. I encourage you to look beyond it, see if there's a way of working through it with compassion and love and kindness, and most importantly grace. By now I am sure you have thought of someone close or distant that you care about, by now I am sure you have thought of a hurt relationship that you have dealt with and by now I am sure before I even finish typing this sentence that you have a perfect image of that person. My recommendation to you? Reach out. Pray without ceasing for the natural opportunity for wounds to be healed and relationships to be mended.

My last hope and prayer this holiday season is that you open your eyes to the disasters of this world, you open your eyes to the lost and the hungry and the hurting, to the lonely and to the ones who are full of everything but love. I pray that after New Year's day you don't forget about the homeless who still need jackets and food, and you don't forget about the animals who have no warmth or shelter, and you don't forget about the children living in poverty hoping for a bed of their own or a new pair of socks. I pray that you carry those hurts and burdens and until the day you take your last breath you do all that you can to help others. Christmas while a beautiful and fun season is not about gifts, or food, or parties, it's about a sweet innocent love for the world that caused the amazing miraculous birth of Christ to help heal the broken and lost without judgement. I could go into a Bible lesson about judging others but I won't. Grace is for everyone so extend it this year and beyond that.

This year has been a trying year for many of us and unfortunately next year will probably be trying as well however if we hold fast to the grace and love and support that God has blessed us with whether it be through family, friends, a church congregation then maybe just maybe we can see a little bit more hope next year.

God Bless,
Ashley

Joy in the Morning Part 2

I have an anxiety disorder and from that stems insomnia.
There I said it.

I didn't always have anxiety problems, actually I didn't really know what anxiety was till I had it. I always thought it was some dramatic form of overreacting to things that people do for attention. Then I turned 23 and was married and realized I was living with the very thing I thought didn't exist. In the past year and a half I have been dealing with a great amount of anxiety, panic attacks, and sleepless nights. I never really told many people because I felt it was weak, and something to be ashamed of, and I was terrified of what people may think of me if they knew.

Recently as of yesterday I decided to go to the doctor about my anxiety attacks and insomnia, mainly because what was something I dealt with every other day became every day. No one looking at me during the day time would know that the whole night before I had struggled to catch my breath and to calm my brain so I can rest my head on a pillow, but I did. Funny thing about having anxiety is it's all mental. I can hide it like someone hides a lie their telling, interestingly by hiding my anxiety I was hiding a lie. I know some people won't understand still and they may look at me like I looked at others with anxiety and say that they were looking for attention, or sympathy or to be the spotlight.

I can promise you I'm not.

What I do want out of this post though is to make people aware that anxiety and insomnia are real. They are things that your daughter, best friend, sister, or coworker can be suffering from and unless they want you to know you won't know. I handled my anxiety naturally for a year and a half, just breathing and praying scripture over myself, and listening to worship music what came as a therapy the most was actually surprising, though I don't know why.

My dog. Yep you read that right my dog, she's a spunky beagle with a lot of attitude who most times can't sit still for 5 minutes, however this past week with my anxiety at a new high and no sleep occurring she managed to not just calm down but to calm me down. She laid on my chest allowing me to hold her as tightly as I needed till I was calm again and then stayed guard while I slept sitting next to me ensuring that no one interrupted my sleep. When I woke the next morning I knew that I needed to get professional help. Yes my sweet beagle was working for me this week, but just like my breathing was working for a while I knew soon it would fade and I'd be back to square one. So I went to the doctor.

After a long discussion with my doctor about how long my anxiety and insomnia has been going on and about how for a week straight I will have been lucky to get 3 hours of sleep consistently we decided it was time to try a very mild medication. It's not one of those pills that you all of sudden are happy no matter what, it's not one of those pills that you are numb to the world, it's a pill that is going to grant me sleep, and is going to grant me the ability to sort through my thoughts when I feel anxiety arising. Just like you didn't know I had such severe anxiety you won't even know that I am taking anxiety medication at all unless I mention it. My goal isn't to be on this medication forever and that's something my doctor is well aware of, while I know medication is there for a reason I also am one to not want to take advantage of it for a lifetime if I can help it.

So why did I share this? Why did I blast this all over my social media and in such a detailed way? Because I am not ashamed anymore, because after I received the first step to help in dealing with this I realized that there is probably someone I know close or not close that is dealing with the same thing or similar and their to scared to ask for help, or their to scared of what will happen when they ask for it. I know I was in that group up until literally yesterday afternoon. My best friend had been for almost a year begging me to seek professional guidance and I wouldn't because I was so scared of what it would do to my "reputation" or what it would do to the way people think of me, or if it would alter the way my family sees me. Then I realized all those thoughts right there was my anxiety once again stepping in where it didn't belong.

Last night in our nightly devotions and prayer my husband read to me about Joy coming in the morning, and as he read it I finally closed my eyes and fell asleep because when the sun comes up I know I am going to be okay, I know I have God to take care of me, and to continue to take care of me. I want this thought below to be the last thing read:

I have anxiety but I also have faith in God, I am NOT and WILL NOT blame God for the issues that I am dealing with in fact it's the opposite I thank God that I have wonderful family, friends, and Him to lead me and to guide me and come along side me. Bad things will happen regardless BUT God will take the bad and make them better.