Joy in the Morning Part 2

I have an anxiety disorder and from that stems insomnia.
There I said it.

I didn't always have anxiety problems, actually I didn't really know what anxiety was till I had it. I always thought it was some dramatic form of overreacting to things that people do for attention. Then I turned 23 and was married and realized I was living with the very thing I thought didn't exist. In the past year and a half I have been dealing with a great amount of anxiety, panic attacks, and sleepless nights. I never really told many people because I felt it was weak, and something to be ashamed of, and I was terrified of what people may think of me if they knew.

Recently as of yesterday I decided to go to the doctor about my anxiety attacks and insomnia, mainly because what was something I dealt with every other day became every day. No one looking at me during the day time would know that the whole night before I had struggled to catch my breath and to calm my brain so I can rest my head on a pillow, but I did. Funny thing about having anxiety is it's all mental. I can hide it like someone hides a lie their telling, interestingly by hiding my anxiety I was hiding a lie. I know some people won't understand still and they may look at me like I looked at others with anxiety and say that they were looking for attention, or sympathy or to be the spotlight.

I can promise you I'm not.

What I do want out of this post though is to make people aware that anxiety and insomnia are real. They are things that your daughter, best friend, sister, or coworker can be suffering from and unless they want you to know you won't know. I handled my anxiety naturally for a year and a half, just breathing and praying scripture over myself, and listening to worship music what came as a therapy the most was actually surprising, though I don't know why.

My dog. Yep you read that right my dog, she's a spunky beagle with a lot of attitude who most times can't sit still for 5 minutes, however this past week with my anxiety at a new high and no sleep occurring she managed to not just calm down but to calm me down. She laid on my chest allowing me to hold her as tightly as I needed till I was calm again and then stayed guard while I slept sitting next to me ensuring that no one interrupted my sleep. When I woke the next morning I knew that I needed to get professional help. Yes my sweet beagle was working for me this week, but just like my breathing was working for a while I knew soon it would fade and I'd be back to square one. So I went to the doctor.

After a long discussion with my doctor about how long my anxiety and insomnia has been going on and about how for a week straight I will have been lucky to get 3 hours of sleep consistently we decided it was time to try a very mild medication. It's not one of those pills that you all of sudden are happy no matter what, it's not one of those pills that you are numb to the world, it's a pill that is going to grant me sleep, and is going to grant me the ability to sort through my thoughts when I feel anxiety arising. Just like you didn't know I had such severe anxiety you won't even know that I am taking anxiety medication at all unless I mention it. My goal isn't to be on this medication forever and that's something my doctor is well aware of, while I know medication is there for a reason I also am one to not want to take advantage of it for a lifetime if I can help it.

So why did I share this? Why did I blast this all over my social media and in such a detailed way? Because I am not ashamed anymore, because after I received the first step to help in dealing with this I realized that there is probably someone I know close or not close that is dealing with the same thing or similar and their to scared to ask for help, or their to scared of what will happen when they ask for it. I know I was in that group up until literally yesterday afternoon. My best friend had been for almost a year begging me to seek professional guidance and I wouldn't because I was so scared of what it would do to my "reputation" or what it would do to the way people think of me, or if it would alter the way my family sees me. Then I realized all those thoughts right there was my anxiety once again stepping in where it didn't belong.

Last night in our nightly devotions and prayer my husband read to me about Joy coming in the morning, and as he read it I finally closed my eyes and fell asleep because when the sun comes up I know I am going to be okay, I know I have God to take care of me, and to continue to take care of me. I want this thought below to be the last thing read:

I have anxiety but I also have faith in God, I am NOT and WILL NOT blame God for the issues that I am dealing with in fact it's the opposite I thank God that I have wonderful family, friends, and Him to lead me and to guide me and come along side me. Bad things will happen regardless BUT God will take the bad and make them better.