Guess Who's Back.... ME!!!

      It's been a while I know, and I would apologize only I'm not sorry that I took a good break to focus on my new role as a mom. I could have done what the people in my shoes seem to do and blog the entire journey but to be honest that wouldn't be me. While I like to keep people in the loop with my family and what's going on, I wanted to have an organic experience as a mom. I didn't want to worry about getting enough activities in for the day so I have some epic blog post to write. I wanted to worry about whether we watched elmo or curious george in the morning. (I'm not kidding you gotta feel how the morning is going on that one. Like did I get enough sleep to tolerate Elmo's voice?)
     Anyways, I am back and I am here and I have fun recipes, stories, and uplifting messages that I have been storing up in a journal waiting for when I would feel the time is right for me to return. I think that time is now and I am so thrilled and excited to be back. My daughter will be 10 months old tomorrow and I am just shocked at how fast time really has flown by. Labor was intense I will share more on that in another post, postpartum wasn't as terrible as I was expecting it to be, and breastfeeding was far from what it was cracked up to be.
      My biggest reason for posting is not just to say "I am back" but also to say "I got some things to share." Before you ask or assume- NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! It seems when you have a baby or just get married and you say "I have something to say" the first reaction is pregnancy.
      Since having my daughter and working with her next to me (yep, she went to school with me every day while I taught part time and yes it was a blessing and no I do not hope to do it again this year. Mama needs time to feel like an adult without someone meshed to her hip) I came home from school on the last day and sat. I just sat and thought about how the year had gone, comparing how I as a teacher had failures and short comings and how I was successful, what I want to implement next year, and what I want to remove from the program next year (for the most part what most teachers usually do).
     However, there was one thought that stood out to me "In the year of teaching with a baby I don't believe I have challenged myself mentally, spiritually, or even physically." This stuck out to me. So what do you do? Well, if your me, you jump in full throttle planning how to get back to challenging yourself while also being a dedicated stay at home mother and wife. Just because I am at home doesn't mean my brain needs to only have interaction with Elmo on the tv or a babbling adorable baby. So I sat down and prioritized where and how the rankings of those three things rated to me and I came up with a plan to counteract where I felt I had shortcomings. This was not easy and I certainly am not perfect or have "Fixed" everything yet.
    You can expect these next few posts for me to talk about how I am challenging myself in each of those three aspects of life, How I am balancing a one income home with a very crazy spunky infant, and where did my little Darby fit in the mix of all of this. I will end this lengthy post with the way I prioritized it. I won't give my solutions though because to be honest this post would turn into a book trying to cover it all. So check back and I look forward to sharing as I go.

1. Spiritual Life
2. Mental health/strength
3. Physical health/strength 

I'm Back!

It's been way to long.... I almost contemplated not coming back to be honest. However, this is my safe space, my update place, my be who I am and say what I think, my little corner of the internet.

My sweet girl turned 6 months a couple weeks ago and it got me to thinking how fast time goes, and how unappreciative we are with the time we have with our children. Lately I have been trying to parent intentionally. What does that mean? It means I want to make sure each day I intentionally wake up with the purpose of starting my daughter's day with a smile, and something uplifting even on the mornings I am so exhausted and want to do anything but wake up and smile. It means when I am stressed and worried or overwhelmed I am going to take a breath and look at my little miracle baby and smile at her and tell her I love her even if she's screaming over me I am going to kiss the top of her head and tell her how beautifully and wonderfully made she is.

I came up with this when she was just turning 6 months old, I thought to myself "Wow, half a year has passed already." That was a shock for me. Time is going by way faster than I would like and I won't like there are moments the enemy tries to use that against me, anxiety creeps up like the evil snake it is and tries to choke out my mental capacity to be the mom I need to be. However, those are the moments I have to intentionally parent even more. I have to get up and say "Okay. Let's have silly song time." and laugh and play like nothing is weighing on my mind. Like the next 5 minutes aren't going to go by and I am going to freeze in that moment the bond her and I are making.

Making a bond with your child people would think is easy, you have the baby and BAM you are bonded. Yes, and NO. Birthing your child starts the bond, but intentionally parenting is what solidifies that bond. Holding and loving them through a terrible teething night with patience and kindness that's a bond moment. When they do something wrong letting them know they are loved even so is a bonding moment.

This is an interesting post to come back with I know. However it's a post with a point. My point is please hug your little one, if they are teens or grown, hug them. Tell them how proud you are of them and how much you love them. They will be judged, they will be beaten down plenty of times in this world that the last place they need it is at home.

I'll finish with this: "Actions speak louder than words, so what are your actions saying?"

Bundles of Joy

Well I am officially a week overdue, I know crazy! Sitting here on this rainy morning I can't help but look back at this past 9 months and 1 week and observe the amazing blessings, trials, lessons learned, and growth in myself and in my family (physically, mentally and spiritually). They say when you have a baby everything changes, every little to big thing changes and sometimes change can be scary but it also can be a warm welcome to life. Being this is my first pregnancy there was a lot of personal growth and life lessons learned in these past 9 months from learning to bite my tongue, and at the same time having no fear to express myself very openly and candidly (although most would say I never did have a problem doing that).  Below are some of the many things that I learned, loved, and just down right shook my head at.

First let's start with lessons learned because it's always good to impart wisdom.

• Love yourself the way you are in the moment your in: This was hard when I hit the middle pregnancy phase of my normal clothes don't fit but maternity clothes are to baggy and large. I went through a month of just really despising my body and my appearance. My husband was amazing always trying to be encouraging but I was so focused on tearing myself apart that I wasn't listening and instead would bully and be negative to him for trying to be positive, yet he still persisted. Finally one morning while we were rushing to get ready to work he had, had enough and said to be very quietly but firmly "Stop. Stop talking about yourself like that right now. You do not look ridiculous, your beautiful." I looked in the bathroom mirror as he said that and realized man the enemy is very sneaky. 
• Be open and honest about your feelings and your needs: This one I thought I had down by the time I was pregnant however I soon found I had a lot to learn. I was trying to take on more than I could handle, and wasn't expressing ways for people to help me. Finally my husband (he's very wise at times) expressed to me how he wants to help but he doesn't know how to because I don't tell him what I need clearly. I thought that through and as a teacher I realized, How can I expect someone to do something exactly as I want it done if I am not clear with my words? That lead to a message board with a check list in our entry way (I call it my command center now) and a small weekly calendar on the fridge with household things that need done broken down by day. (This is something I hope to continue after our little one is born because it works extremely well. My husband sees the checklist and picks items to do and crosses them off when they are done, and I do the same so as to communicate chores without it being a chore). 
• Silence is sometimes golden: In my pregnancy and especially at the beginning and the end I had and still do have many people who feel the need to "Impart wisdom" without being asked. Some helpful, most hurtful. As much as my raging pregnant mind wanted to respond I chose to not respond. Giving the terrible noise a wall of silence for response. Some people caught the hint, others still are learning. Just trust your instincts, trust the wisdom God has blessed you with and if they really get on your nerves GIVE THEM TO JESUS! (My family laughs at that, because there have been many times in the car I have "Gave someone to Jesus" to handle the not so nice traffic behavior)

Things I LOVED: 

• WATER: I know this sounds ridiculous but the more water you drink the happier you'll be, yes you'll pee like crazy but trust me the benefits of drinking water are AMAZING during pregnancy. Not only did it help in keeping my body at the weight it was for the most part (as of now I have only gained 2 lbs of fat, an the rest is all baby) but it will keep you energized better than any soda, coffee or tea. (and I am coffee girl so trust me I know how shocking that sounds). 
• The community of mom support: Not to long after getting pregnant I was referenced to a christian mommy group, and then a little further along was introduced to an Alma Mater Mommy group from my college. BOY IS THAT A BLESSING!!! Sometimes when your body is changing and it's your first time going through it you feel like a crazy person and rather than call the doctor over every little thing, it was nice to talk to lovely encouraging mothers who were in the same boat or who had been in the same boat. Get involved online or in person with a mommy group (not the mommy shaming, but the uplifting and encouraging kind). Not only will this help during the pregnancy so you don't feel so alone, it will help with fighting against postpartum to have that encouragement at your disposal. 
• Yoga Ball: If your pregnant and currently don't own one, GET ONE. Not only was this a great help in back pains, but it was also very relaxing in the evenings to do some light maternity stretches (and will help when dealing with braxton hicks contractions) I seriously don't know what I would do without my yoga ball. 
• My Husband: Last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, I love my husband, pregnancy is not easy especially for the one that is pregnant, but it's also not easy for your spouse. Be understanding of that and try to acknowledge that in the back of you mind when his breathing, snoring or the way he chews is irritating you. (yeah you'll have those moments). It's not easy for your spouse to see you going through so much and not being able to really do a blessed thing to help other than be patient and encouraging and maybe every now and again massage your back. Let him love you, and let him help in as many ways as he can. Believe it or not he wants to help, remember this is his baby too. 

Things that made me shake my head: 

• Opinionated people: This one I was forewarned about but thought it was over exaggerated, however in social media day and age I can promise you it's not. I'd like to say you won't have people trying to tell you the mom, the one carrying the child, what is best however there will be and 9 times out of 10 it's going to be people who never otherwise talked to you, or even care to talk to you. They just want to be heard and your to listen. As I stated above best response is silence. I think my favorite incidents with this is when I would have a slightly off day and maybe shouldn't have been so honest on social media, to be responded with all the things I am "not doing enough of" I'm 9 months pregnant, I'm going to have off days and I deserve to put my feet up every now and again, because let's be honest when this little one comes they are going to be running the floor. 
• Pregnant Shaming: I hated seeing this, and I think because I am pregnant myself I picked up on it a lot faster. I never realized till being pregnant myself how much shaming there is for women who are pregnant whether it be about weight, birth plans (you may not like theirs but birth plans are meant to be specific to that person and what works for them), to the clothes they wore and the things they eat. It is no one's job to shame a pregnant woman! If she's big leave her alone (Trust me she knows she's big and she's probably struggling with that every day). 

Well now you have it, an insight to the many things in pregnancy that I have learned, loved and disliked. My hope is within a small amount of time my next post will be of the new light and blessing of motherhood. Remember pregnancy isn't forever, and there are many people who wish they had the blessing you have so be appreciative as hard as it may be on those days your feet are the size of baseballs, and your irritation is through the roof, that there is someone somewhere struggling to handle the heartache of not getting to experience what your experiencing. (If your one of those people I am praying for you because until now I was in those shoes and they are not fun). 

Third Trimester Thoughts

Well, it's been a while, an while I would apologize, I am okay with the fact that it's been a while since I have done a blog post. I didn't on purposely take a break but I do think it was something that was necessary that just sort of happened. For those of you who have been following I am growing a human inside me. Now that the end of my pregnancy is here and I just have 2 months left till I will be holding my sweet baby in my arms I thought it would be fun to post somethings I have learned in the eyes of a pregnant woman.
   So here it is, the things that have gotten under my skin to the things that were just simply to beautiful not to share with people.

First the Ugly:

• "Your Stomach is the size of a beach ball": This was said to me at a bank, by someone who doesn't even know me. 1: it is NEVER okay to comment on how large my stomach is unless you are my best friend that will have no problem getting a slap to the face of a comeback, I suggest you just stay away from this line, or lines similar such as "Are you sure there isn't a few in there? Your HUGE." 
• "We are having a baby": While this is innocent enough, I don't think all of us will be on a table feeling contractions at the end of this. So maybe instead "We are so excited for the baby" or "We can't wait to be a part of this child's life" my leg cramps at night tell remind me that I am the one having the baby everyone else is just enjoying the perks after the fact. Your welcome. 
• "Did you hear about the mom who died.....": thank you but no thank you I would prefer not to hear about the horror story you heard about on 20/20 last night or a random facebook post. While yes I know there are things to look out for, and things to be aware of I do not need them being sent to me. This is the time I am supposed to stay relaxed and at ease, I don't need to worry about a random brain disease contracted from a random spider at a random location that will kill me just as I am having my child. For peace of mind though I love Jesus and while I would love to be there as a mother for my child. I'll be okay either way.
• "Wow, Hey everyone look she's gotten so BIG, like wow she's just huge": This was someone in the family and it still does not sit well with me. At first I ignored it, however when the opinion got louder and more prominent demanding my attention the spit fire in me replied with "At least I have a reason for my weight." so that being said, if your going to risk your life with a pregnant woman by commenting loudly on her weight, be prepared because she legit does not have a filter and probably won't even after the child is born. 
• "You have no idea how bad my back has been hurting.": Yeah your right, I'm just carrying this HUMAN BEING in the front of me and my back has decided to naturally form into a huge capitol C for the remainder of the pregnancy and let's not forget the limitations when it comes to comfortable positions in bed because ya know can't lay on your back, or your stomach, and you really should avoid laying on your right side for long periods of time. Oh and while your taking your nice pain killers I get to enjoy low dose tylenol.... just plain tylenol.... so please while I would love to have pitty you can do something about it. so do it. 
• "You should.... ": This one is a fill in the blank, I have no clue anymore how many people told me what to eat, drink, how to handle certain symptoms and half of them are not very good advice or even safe for a pregnant woman. While I totally appreicate help and suggestions for acid reflux, and insomnia, please don't tell about the strange foods I should be upping and the amazing foods that make me feel so happy inside that I should be avoiding. My doctor is happy, my child is happy, I am happy.... DO NOT RUIN THAT!!! Ruining a pregnant woman's food craving joy especially when she is doing it in moderation is real close to being considered a sin. 

Now time for the beautiful 

• "God will only give you what He can handle, and no He is not limited in finances.": This was told to me very early in the pregnancy by my uncle when we were awaiting for our first ultrasound. He joked about wanting me to have twins. I had freaked out saying absolutely not. When asked why I said we couldn't handle that and this reply he gave sat with me since then... You are everything your child needs. God will give you what you need. Just focus on being the best you that you can be for your child and trust the rest to God. 
• "You look so healthy.": YAS!!! This is the kind of remark that a pregnant woman needs to hear, thank you for taking the time to notice my body doing the most naturally amazing thing ever which is growing a human. This remark means the world to me because it makes me feel like for a brief second they are acknowledging the sacrifices I have made, and the in depth healthy choices I have made to ensure the best womb environment for my child. 
• "You don't even look pregnant from the back.": At first I thought this was weird however as my pregnancy went on I grew to like it... I know weird. 
• "Your wife doesn't even seem like she is that far along in her pregnancy. She's doing great.": This was one that I loved, and has been said a couple times to my husband and even to me, I have worked so hard to not be that miserable person who complains, and feels the world must cater to me. I know there are so many women who would do anything to feel what I feel and be doing what I am doing so it's important to me that I soak it in and be super appreciative even for the crazy leg cramps randomly at night! 
• "I need you to gain more weight.": This was said by my doctors multiple times which I LOVED!!! How many times does a woman get to hear from medical professionals to eat more? It was frustrating for me because I was eating a lot more however I was and still am eating mostly organic and fresh so while yes calories are upped they are healthy calories so therefore not as much fat build up is happening. 
• "Can I feel her kicking?": This is beautiful in the fact your treating me as a human and not a petting zoo. Thank you for acknowledging that my growing a human doesn't give you and every other person in the world the right to touch me. This is still my body and my private space. 
• "When it comes to you pregnancy do what works for you, not everyone else.": This one was told to me by someone repeatedly when I would talk about certain things and it wasn't till about a month ago that I really adopted it. I have the right to my opinions and I have the right to do what makes me feel best about my child coming into this world so thank you person who helped me find my vocals to express myself openly. 

I know this is a lot, and it may come across mean at times however the fact of the matter is, being pregnant isn't easy but it's such a blessing. Take every moment in, and learn from it. The number one thing if anything is to learn that not one pregnancy is the same as another. Pregnancy is different for everyone and it's important that we just respect the fact that this is a big moment in this person's life. 

More than a Mom

Tonight I had an interesting perspective opened up to me, and I don't even think the person meant to do it on purpose. It woke something in me that I bet almost all moms feel, or go through at one point or another or maybe even all the time. A sense of identity.
   Sounds deep, probably because it is. I was told by someone who will remain nameless and without an identity, in a non malicious way that all I talk about is the baby, things for the baby, and what is going on with the baby or the baby when it is born. My first reaction was to want to slap the person and say "How dare you?" However, instead I listened, and I quietly have been processing it all night so much so that I sit here at 11:30 pm writing about it.
   Being a first time mom is a big deal for me, for someone who was always told I would never be a mom or it would take a miracle, I'm finally receiving that miracle. For me, it's more than being a mom, it's more than raising a child, it's knowing that God loved me and still does love me so much that He is willing to give me the one thing in my life I thought I would always be lacking.... The ability to be a mother.... the ability to be something and someone that I never really thought would be given to me. For me the idea of sleepless nights is welcomed because I'd rather have a noisy night than silence for the rest of my life. Puke, and poopy diapers don't scare me their welcomed because it's better than prim and proper makeup and pretty dresses. Being a mom is the proudest, bestest thing I could ever be, and while I may have other titles, other jobs, other things come in and out of my life besides being a Mimi, being a Mom is probably the best title ever. There's something about constantly making decisions based on someone other than yourself, sacrificing for your child so they can have whatever it is that they need to be what God called them to be, to be able to watch that person grow into who God made them to be, that's probably the best blessing God could ever give anyone.
   As I laid in bed thinking the comment through there was so much to unpack emotionally the hurt of the phrase itself, the accusation that all I have in my life is this child (although I'll admit is rather a big part of my life) and that's all I can talk about, well it hurt. I will admit I talk about my child more than anything in the world, however I talk about this moment in my life because unlike for everyone else, my pregnancy, my carrying a child doesn't go away when I wake up, it doesn't stop all of a sudden and not be in the forefront of my life and mind. Every morning when I wake there's something changing with my body, with the way I dress, eat, carry myself. Every day there is something new I learn about my child and the growing they are going through. Every day I feel this abundant blessing of life within me. So yeah I am going to talk about this child as though it's the only thing in my life, because it's the only thing that is constant from here on out, being a mom is the only thing other than Mimi that I will be forever and ever unending till I take my last breath.
    Something I think no one tells you about being pregnant (married, single, or on your own) is how lonely it can get. Before you know it people stop asking you to do things with them because your pregnant so they assume you wouldn't want to do something like that, or they save you for last because who would want to ask the pregnant woman? Yes, I get tired a little sooner than expected, yes I have to watch what I do physically, but I am not bound to a bed, I haven't lost my loud laugh, and serious sarcasm. I'm still me, I am still who I was only now I have someone to share it with that hopefully will pick up a few things here and there from me.
     One thing is for certain I wouldn't trade this for the world, however I would love to trade the feelings of the world when it comes to pregnant women. We are stronger than you realize, more vulnerable than accepted, and we have deeper feelings and passion than some will ever know.
   So the next time your talking to someone who is pregnant, or your planning something and have someone in your family or friends that are pregnant, include them anyway. Also practice patience with your friend or family member when they want to talk about their soon to be child, and their job as a mom because their trying to share the joy they are experiencing and having with you. That's a mighty thing to think they are turning to you of all the people in their life to share in the joy that they have, and in the amazing beauty of a newborn, a new life coming into the world.
   Lastly, Please don't say to the new mom to be how she will be so excited to get a break from the screaming and sleepless nights, or how she'll be so ready to hand off her baby because it's so stressful. While this may have some truth to it, for some of us women this is the one thing we want to soak in because we were always told we would never have this opportunity, we were told that being a mom was out of the cards so focus on a career and forget the family thing. As for me, I can't wait to be so exhausted I'm living on a tea IV, and holding my breath when I lay down for the first time because my little sweetie finally fell asleep. For me, being a mom is something I look forward to no matter how stressful it will get.

Purging

So with spring weather comes the always necessary spring cleaning, although I did not plan for this week to be spring cleaning week it happened. I am guilty. I found through my purging the house of useless items and furniture pieces that serve no purpose other than to "look pretty" that there was something I was missing, a moment that I wasn't quite capturing....until now.
   With so many people hurting, homeless, going through crisis through out the world, here I am purging my home and taking inventory of what I "need". Meanwhile there are some people who have nothing and need only the necessities to life. What a person in Syria, or living on the street would do to have an apartment, with furniture to purge. What a person would do to have a stock pile of dvds and magazines when there are people who need food and water.
    As I think about this world, I think we have our minds twisted, we are fighting for MY rights and MY choice, but what about those without rights and without choices, without even the ability to have the freedom to argue or voice their concerns, needs, wants and dreams. Here in America we have people fighting over abortion, cars, money, etc. Yet there are people literally fighting for life, for the ability to offer some stability to their children. What are we doing for them? Our society is a selfish society filled with only caring for the people who live here, the people who have kitchens full of junk food, and living rooms full of game systems, surround sounds and flat screen tvs, personally I think we've got enough. I think it's time we looked outside of our safe neighborhood, our nice buses, our multilevel malls, and look at the countrIES (not one country but multiples) that are starving and in need. It's time we took the $10 we were going to use for McDonald's and send it to a starving nation.         I am not preaching at anyone, I am not trying to make you feel bad for being able to provide a few extras for your family, but I am asking you to consider the next time you spend some money on what people don't have and see if you can be of aid. Got a new couch? Give someone your old one, have clothes you don't wear? Give it to a family that could use some new clothes, Got a ton of food your just not going to get to cook before going bad? Invite a family over, give them a tasty warm meal and send them on their way with a bag of goodies to show you care. Most importantly do it with a graceful, loving heart, and look for no attention. Don't post it on facebook, instagram, snapchat, don't look to brag to friends and family, just do it to be kind.
   While I don't agree with everything this person has said there is one thing that everyone in every sector needs to try to be and do more often and that is "Be kind to one another" ~Ellen Degeneres~ Yes I agree, Let's just try and be kind to one another, there is enough evil in the world to take care of the hate, and judgement.

When God Moves, You MOVE!!!!!!

   Recently we have seen God open doors wide open and flood us with overwhelming love. As I sit here listening to Kari Jobe, I can't help but feel peace and God's grace over my life and over my growing child's life. Listening to the words to "Beautiful" I can't help but smile and agree over how amazing God truly is to just sit and enjoy his presence in my life, and to just see all that he has gotten me through it amazes me.
   We have been praying and saving and hoping to find an apartment to move into sooner than later before the baby is born that would allow us to expand and have more room. Well, it looks like that may just be happening this weekend. Now that the time to move is finally here I have no clue how to feel about it. I mean I do, but I don't. There's so much that goes into moving, but it's more so the unknown of a new place. The unknown of new setting, new neighbors, new way of life in essence. However, the feelings are good feelings its the scary you feel right before you enter college campus and realize your where your supposed to be, the nervous you feel right before you walk down the aisle to your soul mate, the excitement you feel while preparing for your family to expand, and the exhaustion you get when your training a puppy (thrilling but also at times frustrating).
   When God wants to move in your life the only thing you need to do is MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! Don't try to control God, don't try to tell Him the directions and the timing and how it needs to be done, just accept what He is doing for you and in you and your life. Most importantly when you wonder if God is there, when your going through hard times and you think God is abandoning you, DON'T. He didn't abandon you all this time, He isn't going to now. He knows your not perfect, He knows your going to screw up, that's why we have the cross that saved us, He sacrificed His everything to ensure that you would be taken care of. You are far more precious than any gem, diamond, amount of money, material item or possession. You are now His everything.