Bundles of Joy

Well I am officially a week overdue, I know crazy! Sitting here on this rainy morning I can't help but look back at this past 9 months and 1 week and observe the amazing blessings, trials, lessons learned, and growth in myself and in my family (physically, mentally and spiritually). They say when you have a baby everything changes, every little to big thing changes and sometimes change can be scary but it also can be a warm welcome to life. Being this is my first pregnancy there was a lot of personal growth and life lessons learned in these past 9 months from learning to bite my tongue, and at the same time having no fear to express myself very openly and candidly (although most would say I never did have a problem doing that).  Below are some of the many things that I learned, loved, and just down right shook my head at.

First let's start with lessons learned because it's always good to impart wisdom.

• Love yourself the way you are in the moment your in: This was hard when I hit the middle pregnancy phase of my normal clothes don't fit but maternity clothes are to baggy and large. I went through a month of just really despising my body and my appearance. My husband was amazing always trying to be encouraging but I was so focused on tearing myself apart that I wasn't listening and instead would bully and be negative to him for trying to be positive, yet he still persisted. Finally one morning while we were rushing to get ready to work he had, had enough and said to be very quietly but firmly "Stop. Stop talking about yourself like that right now. You do not look ridiculous, your beautiful." I looked in the bathroom mirror as he said that and realized man the enemy is very sneaky. 
• Be open and honest about your feelings and your needs: This one I thought I had down by the time I was pregnant however I soon found I had a lot to learn. I was trying to take on more than I could handle, and wasn't expressing ways for people to help me. Finally my husband (he's very wise at times) expressed to me how he wants to help but he doesn't know how to because I don't tell him what I need clearly. I thought that through and as a teacher I realized, How can I expect someone to do something exactly as I want it done if I am not clear with my words? That lead to a message board with a check list in our entry way (I call it my command center now) and a small weekly calendar on the fridge with household things that need done broken down by day. (This is something I hope to continue after our little one is born because it works extremely well. My husband sees the checklist and picks items to do and crosses them off when they are done, and I do the same so as to communicate chores without it being a chore). 
• Silence is sometimes golden: In my pregnancy and especially at the beginning and the end I had and still do have many people who feel the need to "Impart wisdom" without being asked. Some helpful, most hurtful. As much as my raging pregnant mind wanted to respond I chose to not respond. Giving the terrible noise a wall of silence for response. Some people caught the hint, others still are learning. Just trust your instincts, trust the wisdom God has blessed you with and if they really get on your nerves GIVE THEM TO JESUS! (My family laughs at that, because there have been many times in the car I have "Gave someone to Jesus" to handle the not so nice traffic behavior)

Things I LOVED: 

• WATER: I know this sounds ridiculous but the more water you drink the happier you'll be, yes you'll pee like crazy but trust me the benefits of drinking water are AMAZING during pregnancy. Not only did it help in keeping my body at the weight it was for the most part (as of now I have only gained 2 lbs of fat, an the rest is all baby) but it will keep you energized better than any soda, coffee or tea. (and I am coffee girl so trust me I know how shocking that sounds). 
• The community of mom support: Not to long after getting pregnant I was referenced to a christian mommy group, and then a little further along was introduced to an Alma Mater Mommy group from my college. BOY IS THAT A BLESSING!!! Sometimes when your body is changing and it's your first time going through it you feel like a crazy person and rather than call the doctor over every little thing, it was nice to talk to lovely encouraging mothers who were in the same boat or who had been in the same boat. Get involved online or in person with a mommy group (not the mommy shaming, but the uplifting and encouraging kind). Not only will this help during the pregnancy so you don't feel so alone, it will help with fighting against postpartum to have that encouragement at your disposal. 
• Yoga Ball: If your pregnant and currently don't own one, GET ONE. Not only was this a great help in back pains, but it was also very relaxing in the evenings to do some light maternity stretches (and will help when dealing with braxton hicks contractions) I seriously don't know what I would do without my yoga ball. 
• My Husband: Last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, I love my husband, pregnancy is not easy especially for the one that is pregnant, but it's also not easy for your spouse. Be understanding of that and try to acknowledge that in the back of you mind when his breathing, snoring or the way he chews is irritating you. (yeah you'll have those moments). It's not easy for your spouse to see you going through so much and not being able to really do a blessed thing to help other than be patient and encouraging and maybe every now and again massage your back. Let him love you, and let him help in as many ways as he can. Believe it or not he wants to help, remember this is his baby too. 

Things that made me shake my head: 

• Opinionated people: This one I was forewarned about but thought it was over exaggerated, however in social media day and age I can promise you it's not. I'd like to say you won't have people trying to tell you the mom, the one carrying the child, what is best however there will be and 9 times out of 10 it's going to be people who never otherwise talked to you, or even care to talk to you. They just want to be heard and your to listen. As I stated above best response is silence. I think my favorite incidents with this is when I would have a slightly off day and maybe shouldn't have been so honest on social media, to be responded with all the things I am "not doing enough of" I'm 9 months pregnant, I'm going to have off days and I deserve to put my feet up every now and again, because let's be honest when this little one comes they are going to be running the floor. 
• Pregnant Shaming: I hated seeing this, and I think because I am pregnant myself I picked up on it a lot faster. I never realized till being pregnant myself how much shaming there is for women who are pregnant whether it be about weight, birth plans (you may not like theirs but birth plans are meant to be specific to that person and what works for them), to the clothes they wore and the things they eat. It is no one's job to shame a pregnant woman! If she's big leave her alone (Trust me she knows she's big and she's probably struggling with that every day). 

Well now you have it, an insight to the many things in pregnancy that I have learned, loved and disliked. My hope is within a small amount of time my next post will be of the new light and blessing of motherhood. Remember pregnancy isn't forever, and there are many people who wish they had the blessing you have so be appreciative as hard as it may be on those days your feet are the size of baseballs, and your irritation is through the roof, that there is someone somewhere struggling to handle the heartache of not getting to experience what your experiencing. (If your one of those people I am praying for you because until now I was in those shoes and they are not fun). 

Third Trimester Thoughts

Well, it's been a while, an while I would apologize, I am okay with the fact that it's been a while since I have done a blog post. I didn't on purposely take a break but I do think it was something that was necessary that just sort of happened. For those of you who have been following I am growing a human inside me. Now that the end of my pregnancy is here and I just have 2 months left till I will be holding my sweet baby in my arms I thought it would be fun to post somethings I have learned in the eyes of a pregnant woman.
   So here it is, the things that have gotten under my skin to the things that were just simply to beautiful not to share with people.

First the Ugly:

• "Your Stomach is the size of a beach ball": This was said to me at a bank, by someone who doesn't even know me. 1: it is NEVER okay to comment on how large my stomach is unless you are my best friend that will have no problem getting a slap to the face of a comeback, I suggest you just stay away from this line, or lines similar such as "Are you sure there isn't a few in there? Your HUGE." 
• "We are having a baby": While this is innocent enough, I don't think all of us will be on a table feeling contractions at the end of this. So maybe instead "We are so excited for the baby" or "We can't wait to be a part of this child's life" my leg cramps at night tell remind me that I am the one having the baby everyone else is just enjoying the perks after the fact. Your welcome. 
• "Did you hear about the mom who died.....": thank you but no thank you I would prefer not to hear about the horror story you heard about on 20/20 last night or a random facebook post. While yes I know there are things to look out for, and things to be aware of I do not need them being sent to me. This is the time I am supposed to stay relaxed and at ease, I don't need to worry about a random brain disease contracted from a random spider at a random location that will kill me just as I am having my child. For peace of mind though I love Jesus and while I would love to be there as a mother for my child. I'll be okay either way.
• "Wow, Hey everyone look she's gotten so BIG, like wow she's just huge": This was someone in the family and it still does not sit well with me. At first I ignored it, however when the opinion got louder and more prominent demanding my attention the spit fire in me replied with "At least I have a reason for my weight." so that being said, if your going to risk your life with a pregnant woman by commenting loudly on her weight, be prepared because she legit does not have a filter and probably won't even after the child is born. 
• "You have no idea how bad my back has been hurting.": Yeah your right, I'm just carrying this HUMAN BEING in the front of me and my back has decided to naturally form into a huge capitol C for the remainder of the pregnancy and let's not forget the limitations when it comes to comfortable positions in bed because ya know can't lay on your back, or your stomach, and you really should avoid laying on your right side for long periods of time. Oh and while your taking your nice pain killers I get to enjoy low dose tylenol.... just plain tylenol.... so please while I would love to have pitty you can do something about it. so do it. 
• "You should.... ": This one is a fill in the blank, I have no clue anymore how many people told me what to eat, drink, how to handle certain symptoms and half of them are not very good advice or even safe for a pregnant woman. While I totally appreicate help and suggestions for acid reflux, and insomnia, please don't tell about the strange foods I should be upping and the amazing foods that make me feel so happy inside that I should be avoiding. My doctor is happy, my child is happy, I am happy.... DO NOT RUIN THAT!!! Ruining a pregnant woman's food craving joy especially when she is doing it in moderation is real close to being considered a sin. 

Now time for the beautiful 

• "God will only give you what He can handle, and no He is not limited in finances.": This was told to me very early in the pregnancy by my uncle when we were awaiting for our first ultrasound. He joked about wanting me to have twins. I had freaked out saying absolutely not. When asked why I said we couldn't handle that and this reply he gave sat with me since then... You are everything your child needs. God will give you what you need. Just focus on being the best you that you can be for your child and trust the rest to God. 
• "You look so healthy.": YAS!!! This is the kind of remark that a pregnant woman needs to hear, thank you for taking the time to notice my body doing the most naturally amazing thing ever which is growing a human. This remark means the world to me because it makes me feel like for a brief second they are acknowledging the sacrifices I have made, and the in depth healthy choices I have made to ensure the best womb environment for my child. 
• "You don't even look pregnant from the back.": At first I thought this was weird however as my pregnancy went on I grew to like it... I know weird. 
• "Your wife doesn't even seem like she is that far along in her pregnancy. She's doing great.": This was one that I loved, and has been said a couple times to my husband and even to me, I have worked so hard to not be that miserable person who complains, and feels the world must cater to me. I know there are so many women who would do anything to feel what I feel and be doing what I am doing so it's important to me that I soak it in and be super appreciative even for the crazy leg cramps randomly at night! 
• "I need you to gain more weight.": This was said by my doctors multiple times which I LOVED!!! How many times does a woman get to hear from medical professionals to eat more? It was frustrating for me because I was eating a lot more however I was and still am eating mostly organic and fresh so while yes calories are upped they are healthy calories so therefore not as much fat build up is happening. 
• "Can I feel her kicking?": This is beautiful in the fact your treating me as a human and not a petting zoo. Thank you for acknowledging that my growing a human doesn't give you and every other person in the world the right to touch me. This is still my body and my private space. 
• "When it comes to you pregnancy do what works for you, not everyone else.": This one was told to me by someone repeatedly when I would talk about certain things and it wasn't till about a month ago that I really adopted it. I have the right to my opinions and I have the right to do what makes me feel best about my child coming into this world so thank you person who helped me find my vocals to express myself openly. 

I know this is a lot, and it may come across mean at times however the fact of the matter is, being pregnant isn't easy but it's such a blessing. Take every moment in, and learn from it. The number one thing if anything is to learn that not one pregnancy is the same as another. Pregnancy is different for everyone and it's important that we just respect the fact that this is a big moment in this person's life. 

More than a Mom

Tonight I had an interesting perspective opened up to me, and I don't even think the person meant to do it on purpose. It woke something in me that I bet almost all moms feel, or go through at one point or another or maybe even all the time. A sense of identity.
   Sounds deep, probably because it is. I was told by someone who will remain nameless and without an identity, in a non malicious way that all I talk about is the baby, things for the baby, and what is going on with the baby or the baby when it is born. My first reaction was to want to slap the person and say "How dare you?" However, instead I listened, and I quietly have been processing it all night so much so that I sit here at 11:30 pm writing about it.
   Being a first time mom is a big deal for me, for someone who was always told I would never be a mom or it would take a miracle, I'm finally receiving that miracle. For me, it's more than being a mom, it's more than raising a child, it's knowing that God loved me and still does love me so much that He is willing to give me the one thing in my life I thought I would always be lacking.... The ability to be a mother.... the ability to be something and someone that I never really thought would be given to me. For me the idea of sleepless nights is welcomed because I'd rather have a noisy night than silence for the rest of my life. Puke, and poopy diapers don't scare me their welcomed because it's better than prim and proper makeup and pretty dresses. Being a mom is the proudest, bestest thing I could ever be, and while I may have other titles, other jobs, other things come in and out of my life besides being a Mimi, being a Mom is probably the best title ever. There's something about constantly making decisions based on someone other than yourself, sacrificing for your child so they can have whatever it is that they need to be what God called them to be, to be able to watch that person grow into who God made them to be, that's probably the best blessing God could ever give anyone.
   As I laid in bed thinking the comment through there was so much to unpack emotionally the hurt of the phrase itself, the accusation that all I have in my life is this child (although I'll admit is rather a big part of my life) and that's all I can talk about, well it hurt. I will admit I talk about my child more than anything in the world, however I talk about this moment in my life because unlike for everyone else, my pregnancy, my carrying a child doesn't go away when I wake up, it doesn't stop all of a sudden and not be in the forefront of my life and mind. Every morning when I wake there's something changing with my body, with the way I dress, eat, carry myself. Every day there is something new I learn about my child and the growing they are going through. Every day I feel this abundant blessing of life within me. So yeah I am going to talk about this child as though it's the only thing in my life, because it's the only thing that is constant from here on out, being a mom is the only thing other than Mimi that I will be forever and ever unending till I take my last breath.
    Something I think no one tells you about being pregnant (married, single, or on your own) is how lonely it can get. Before you know it people stop asking you to do things with them because your pregnant so they assume you wouldn't want to do something like that, or they save you for last because who would want to ask the pregnant woman? Yes, I get tired a little sooner than expected, yes I have to watch what I do physically, but I am not bound to a bed, I haven't lost my loud laugh, and serious sarcasm. I'm still me, I am still who I was only now I have someone to share it with that hopefully will pick up a few things here and there from me.
     One thing is for certain I wouldn't trade this for the world, however I would love to trade the feelings of the world when it comes to pregnant women. We are stronger than you realize, more vulnerable than accepted, and we have deeper feelings and passion than some will ever know.
   So the next time your talking to someone who is pregnant, or your planning something and have someone in your family or friends that are pregnant, include them anyway. Also practice patience with your friend or family member when they want to talk about their soon to be child, and their job as a mom because their trying to share the joy they are experiencing and having with you. That's a mighty thing to think they are turning to you of all the people in their life to share in the joy that they have, and in the amazing beauty of a newborn, a new life coming into the world.
   Lastly, Please don't say to the new mom to be how she will be so excited to get a break from the screaming and sleepless nights, or how she'll be so ready to hand off her baby because it's so stressful. While this may have some truth to it, for some of us women this is the one thing we want to soak in because we were always told we would never have this opportunity, we were told that being a mom was out of the cards so focus on a career and forget the family thing. As for me, I can't wait to be so exhausted I'm living on a tea IV, and holding my breath when I lay down for the first time because my little sweetie finally fell asleep. For me, being a mom is something I look forward to no matter how stressful it will get.

Purging

So with spring weather comes the always necessary spring cleaning, although I did not plan for this week to be spring cleaning week it happened. I am guilty. I found through my purging the house of useless items and furniture pieces that serve no purpose other than to "look pretty" that there was something I was missing, a moment that I wasn't quite capturing....until now.
   With so many people hurting, homeless, going through crisis through out the world, here I am purging my home and taking inventory of what I "need". Meanwhile there are some people who have nothing and need only the necessities to life. What a person in Syria, or living on the street would do to have an apartment, with furniture to purge. What a person would do to have a stock pile of dvds and magazines when there are people who need food and water.
    As I think about this world, I think we have our minds twisted, we are fighting for MY rights and MY choice, but what about those without rights and without choices, without even the ability to have the freedom to argue or voice their concerns, needs, wants and dreams. Here in America we have people fighting over abortion, cars, money, etc. Yet there are people literally fighting for life, for the ability to offer some stability to their children. What are we doing for them? Our society is a selfish society filled with only caring for the people who live here, the people who have kitchens full of junk food, and living rooms full of game systems, surround sounds and flat screen tvs, personally I think we've got enough. I think it's time we looked outside of our safe neighborhood, our nice buses, our multilevel malls, and look at the countrIES (not one country but multiples) that are starving and in need. It's time we took the $10 we were going to use for McDonald's and send it to a starving nation.         I am not preaching at anyone, I am not trying to make you feel bad for being able to provide a few extras for your family, but I am asking you to consider the next time you spend some money on what people don't have and see if you can be of aid. Got a new couch? Give someone your old one, have clothes you don't wear? Give it to a family that could use some new clothes, Got a ton of food your just not going to get to cook before going bad? Invite a family over, give them a tasty warm meal and send them on their way with a bag of goodies to show you care. Most importantly do it with a graceful, loving heart, and look for no attention. Don't post it on facebook, instagram, snapchat, don't look to brag to friends and family, just do it to be kind.
   While I don't agree with everything this person has said there is one thing that everyone in every sector needs to try to be and do more often and that is "Be kind to one another" ~Ellen Degeneres~ Yes I agree, Let's just try and be kind to one another, there is enough evil in the world to take care of the hate, and judgement.

When God Moves, You MOVE!!!!!!

   Recently we have seen God open doors wide open and flood us with overwhelming love. As I sit here listening to Kari Jobe, I can't help but feel peace and God's grace over my life and over my growing child's life. Listening to the words to "Beautiful" I can't help but smile and agree over how amazing God truly is to just sit and enjoy his presence in my life, and to just see all that he has gotten me through it amazes me.
   We have been praying and saving and hoping to find an apartment to move into sooner than later before the baby is born that would allow us to expand and have more room. Well, it looks like that may just be happening this weekend. Now that the time to move is finally here I have no clue how to feel about it. I mean I do, but I don't. There's so much that goes into moving, but it's more so the unknown of a new place. The unknown of new setting, new neighbors, new way of life in essence. However, the feelings are good feelings its the scary you feel right before you enter college campus and realize your where your supposed to be, the nervous you feel right before you walk down the aisle to your soul mate, the excitement you feel while preparing for your family to expand, and the exhaustion you get when your training a puppy (thrilling but also at times frustrating).
   When God wants to move in your life the only thing you need to do is MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! Don't try to control God, don't try to tell Him the directions and the timing and how it needs to be done, just accept what He is doing for you and in you and your life. Most importantly when you wonder if God is there, when your going through hard times and you think God is abandoning you, DON'T. He didn't abandon you all this time, He isn't going to now. He knows your not perfect, He knows your going to screw up, that's why we have the cross that saved us, He sacrificed His everything to ensure that you would be taken care of. You are far more precious than any gem, diamond, amount of money, material item or possession. You are now His everything.

What you don't know about teachers!

I don't talk about my job often, I don't talk about what I do for a living because it's so a part of my life that I feel it's obvious what I do. However I recently had a reality check as of yesterday that there are so many people who misunderstand what it is to be a teacher. They make their jokes about teachers having it easy because we get summers off and holidays all the time, but in reality they have no idea what we are doing with that time, or the impact that our jobs have on us. Just like I would never assume I know what it's like to be a doctor, construction worker, or police officer, I would hope that people don't assume they know what it's like to be a teacher. I had someone yesterday make a remark and while it was in a conversation that was light and I don't think directly meaning to offend it did offend me and it stuck with me for quite a while, and the more I sat and thought about it the more it made me really steamed. Now though I am over the steamy anger and more so realize it's for a lack of education on what being a teacher really is.

I don't defend myself to strangers because they have no business making assumptions about me and if they do then that's on them, but I do have a defense when it comes to my profession that I pour everything into. Though I may be part time, my job is anything but part time.

Things you don't know about me the teacher:

1. When I meet my students each for the first time I take the time to know the face, the name, the family, I take as much time as I can to get to know their hopes and dreams. 
2. A lot of my time while teaching is spent encouraging students who are discouraged in every aspect of their life and have no self esteem or think they have nothing to offer this world.
3. Every day when I come home from work, I have to pray and listen to the Lord's guidance for each student that I have interacted with for that day because I can sense the hurts and mistrust they have gone through but I am limited to what I can do, I have a few hours each week to get as much encouragement, guidance and direction poured into their lives that will hopefully carry them till the next time that I see them. 
4. When it comes to my curriculum it is never set in stone, as a teacher they don't give you a book with the lessons laid out and exactly how it should be taught, no that's my job to find the sources, the activities, the discussions to have and it's always changing because the world is always offering us new things to learn. 
5. When I am home on vacation, I am not always vacationing, I am reworking curriculum, I'm going over papers, tests, books, and seeing where do I have weakness showing and where are strengths showing. I am constantly trying to improve the path of education. 
6. I am not paid some gigantic salary, I'm not even a salaried teacher. A lot of times I purchase things for my lessons that come out of my pocket, and while yes I could find something else to do with students it wouldn't be as effective and it wouldn't be near as impacting. 
7. I wear many hats, I am not just a teacher, I'm and encourager, counselor, nurse, career adviser, college application counselor, sometimes even cook because some of our students are hungry and maybe didn't bring something to eat or have something to eat. Yes I know I am to educate these students however I also have to see that they aren't just students their humans with needs other than an education. 
8. No matter how hard my life may be at home, or what I may be going through I still have to get up put a smile on and go into work because I could very well be the only person they see today with a smile and a positive attitude. 
9. Many people who aren't teachers or who aren't close in the education field picture students sitting quietly at desks working, that's almost NEVER the case. We deal with kids who have come in with a bad night out, or bad family time, parents not hands on, parents who are hands on but are nothing but negative to their child, and parents who are so positive they refuse to see where there may be errors occurring or where their child may be struggling. 
10. I love my job and wouldn't trade what I do for anything in the world. Yes I deal with harsh realities that I may or may not have experienced in my life, I come face to face with the affects of drug addictions, teenage pregnancies, depression and anxiety, abusive homes, I see them and I see the product of them, but the best part is I also see the light, the glimmer of hope that these kids hold onto in hopes that their life will be different, that they have a chance at being something other than what society expects them to be. I get to help them find that hope when their sealed off in darkness. 

So my reply to you sir is, No I don't get paid to sit and do nothing, I may just be so good at my job that your observing someone who needs no effort, but let me tell you every night there's a battle in my heart and every morning I wake up with a new found strength to make this day worth it for these kids. 

Miracle Baby

I recently watched a video about a couple who struggled through infertility and their relationship with God and how it lead to their adoption of their daughter Chloe. This video was such an awakening moment for me a soon to be mom in my second trimester.

I have wrote on here before about my husband and I's struggle with infertility but watching that video it reminded me the battle, the road we went through, the gloom I had fought through and where we are now.

A lot of people know I've struggled with PCOS and with the diagnosis after diagnosis of being infertile but when my husband and I were married we chose not to accept that fate. We did countless doctors appointments, countless false positive pregnancy tests, countless heartaches and hurt and brokeness. Finally we decided to do foster care because regardless we knew God intended for ust o be parents. We finished foster care classes last winter and decided to wait till this August to puruse it actively to give us some time to find a place and be settled and prepare. In October I made the choice with my husband's support to not try actively, to stop tracking everything, to not take medications and to not crazily see doctors and do blood work and etc. My thought was I want to go through the holidays with the heartache of trying and failing screaming in my face. Little did I know that over the holidays I would be experiencing the beginnings of our first trimester. Now in August we are going to be parents to a sweet little one and it's only by God's grace and healing power. There is no doubt in Randy and I that this baby is a miracle from God specifically for us. We haven't let go of our foster care but we have put it on the back burner for now but we know from being faithful and trusting in God that He would bless us with this child.

When it seems like all hope is gone, when it seems like everything is slipping and there is no hope we need to grasp God as tightly as we can because it's in those moments that God is doing the mightiest amount of work in our lives. I had been facing infertility since I was 16, doctor after doctor telling me my chances were slim if any and my husband and I when married going through the bouts of trying and failing and me going through the hurt and heartache of not being able to do the one thing a woman should be able to do and that's be a mother.

Our turning point I will never forget, it was the week of my birthday I was turning 24 (my favorite number) and I looked at my husband and said "This year is MY year, I am going to accomplish whatever I want this year and nothing is going to hold me back. This year EVERYTHING is going to go my way." At the time my husband did the loving chuckle and said "Okay it's the year of Ashley"

Fast forward now... It's the end of November, I look at my husband in conversation and I don't know what possessed me to say it but I said to my husband "I have decided something, I have decided that I am pregnant and that is just how it's going to be." my husband slightly concerned smiled and lovingly but sternly looked at me and said "I don't think that's how it works, I think you may want to have a talk with God on that one." and without even blinking I said "Oh trust me I intend to." That night I prayed so hard and talked through so much with God while my husband peacefully slept and I went to bed knowing it was in God's hands.

After that moment I never really talked about it again, I moved on and honestly forgot about the conversation till December and no time of the month like usual... so I talked with my husband and we agreed to not talk about it with anyone and not take a test till after Christmas because I wanted to enjoy my holidays it wasn't the first time I had missed a month. I however did have prenatal I started taking in case but of course it was on the down low so as not to have people speculating. Then on December 31st 2016 I woke up at 7:00 am and decided while everyone was sleeping that it was time to take a test. By 7:15 am it was a definite that I was pregnant. I calmly walked into my husband who was sleeping and said "Do you want to know a secret going into the new year?" Immediately he woke up and said "You took the test didn't you?!" and I smiled, showed him the test and said "I'm pregnant" we smiled, laughed and for some reason unlike the other positive tests from previous thoughts this one we felt confirmed in our spirit was for sure real. I entered 2017 knowing that God had performed the biggest gift and miracle He could have given my husband and I.

A lot of people may be skeptical of our story, and our testimony but it's just that as cliche as it is, when we are put through the hardest of tests that's when God decides to make it a testimony. Don't give up, but don't hold tight either. Be ready for however God wants to work in your life and in whatever timing He sees fit. There is no doubt in my mind that this child is God's and will do great things for the kingdom. While my husband and I may be parents, it doesn't change the fact that God is still God and He is the one who ultimately has control over our child's fate. It's comforting to know that thought we may be newbies to parenting, and though we may not have it all together, God has His hand and control on this child's life so we know everything will work out for the good.

Book Bucket List

Since I hear from a lot of people and baby blogs that once your little blessing is born there is very seldom time for yourself I thought what is the one thing I want to enjoy and savor and that's peace and quiet while reading a book. So I decided to come up with a book reading bucket list leading up to the baby so I can go on many adventures while not having to leave my home! I figured out I have about enough time for 20 books give or take a book a week or a book every two weeks.

1. Beauty and the Beast (the classic) 
2. Live Original by Sadie Robertson
3. The Book Thief by: Markus Zusak
4. Lioness Arising: Lisa Bevere
5. Finding your Voice: Natalie Grant
6. Without Rival: Lisa Bevere
7. God is Not Mad at You: Joyce Meyer
8. When God makes Lemonade: Don Jacobson
9. Beauty for Ashes: Joyce Meyer
10. Choose Love: Stormie Omartian
11. An Uncommon Heroine: Most Remarkable Women in Literature: Jamie Robertson
12. Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World: Jill Rigby
13. A Good and Perfect Gift: Amy Julia Becker
14. No More Christian Nice Girl: Jennifer D. Degler
15. I Love You To God and Back: Amanda Lamb
16. Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Fear: Gregory L. Jantz
17. The Good, The Bad, and The Grace of God: Jep and Jessica Robertson
18. The 5 Love Languages of Children: Gary Chapman
19. Leading on Empty: Wayne Cordeiro
20. Cultivating a Cutting- Edge Children's Church: Dick Gruber
21. **BONUS BOOK**: I still believe: Jeremy Camp

While most of these are ministry books that cover a vast amount of different topics, some of these are reads that I just simply enjoy, some of them I have read already a couple times and some I have had for a while but never started to read. Something my aunt and uncle who have straight A students has done since they found out they were pregnant with each of their children is they would have my Uncle read to the child in the womb allowing the child to hear dad's voice but also building it's fundamentals in vocabulary. My husband and I started this as soon as we found out we were expecting as well. Below is the list of what we have already read (mind you some days you just fall asleep and forget to read). Of course we hope to continue our reading to the child way after we have the baby but it is fun as parents to be right now just visiting our childhood and reading books some new and some from when we were little. I will say we DID NOT go out and buy all these books. I have a huge collection of them from when I was a child and also from my little nephew and yard sale finds that we did. 

1. 1/117: I love you this much
2. 1/1/17: If you give a mouse a cookie
3. 1/2/17: Hats off to Lyle (yes this is veggie tales) 
4. 1/3/17: The Tiny Angel
5. 1/4/17: The Foot Book
6. 1/5/17: I was so Mad
7. 1/6/17: A baby is born welcome to our world
8. 1/7/17: I knew you could
9. 1/8/17: Giggle Giggle Quack
10. 1/9/17: Luke 9 in the Bible
11. 1/10/17: Put me in the zoo and a fly went by 
12. 1/11/17: Are you my mother?
13. 1/12/17: Go dog Go
14. 1/13/17: This nest is the best
15. 1/14/17: It's not easy being a bunny
16. 1/16/17: Mouses first spring
17. 1/17/17: Glasses for D.W
18. 1/18/17: Flip and Flop
19. 1/29/17: Little quack loves colors
20. 1/30/17: A splendid friend indeed
21. 1/31/17: Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too
22. 2/2/17: Smooch is a smoocher
23. 2/3/17: A Baby is born welcome to our world (second time reading it whoops) 
24. 2/4/17: Kiss goodnight
25. 2/5/17: Mouses first fall
26. 2/6/17: I love you honey bunny
27. 2/8/17: Just Grandpa and Me
28. 2/9/17: Arthur's reading race

So I know this is a lot of info and some of this blog post your probably wondering why I shared, well to be honest it's part of a memory for my husband and I to archive and revisit and because we want you guys to join us in our journey! If you feel drawn to one of the books I am reading on my bucket list reach out and let's read them together!!!! Also if you have any fun kids book suggestions for a future read hit us up with some fun ideas!!! Lastly out of curiosity, What was your favorite kids book growing up? 

Sheep and Wolves: Matthew 10

Recently in my devotions I found myself drawn to reading Matthew 10, throughout this chapter there were so many words that just spilled off the page in my Bible and into my heart that I just felt like I need to share what was placed on my heart. I in no way claim to be a Pastor, or am certified by anyone other than Christ and I to struggle  in my day to day life so please don't see this as me "preaching at you" rather sharing my heart and wearing it on my sleeve.

That said let's begin,

Starting with Matthew 10:9 and 10
"You received without paying; give without pay. Acquire no gold or silver or copper for your belts, no bag for you journey, or two tunics or sandals or a staff, for the laborer deserves his food."

• We were given Christ without having to pay for that major gift so God's love we should be giving at no cost to others. Since when do we get to decide who is and who isn't worthy of God's love and who is and who isn't supposed to be excluded from that free love which we received without having to give anything? 

Verse 13

"And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you." 

• Peace is to be given to those who deserve it or who are willing to receive it otherwise the peace of the Lord is yours to have. 
• Do not let someone who refuses to accept the word of the Lord, and the Lord to steal your peace, for peace doesn't belong to them it belongs to God and His people and only you can decide to allow someone to take your peace away. 

Verse 16

"Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves."

• When we look into the nature of the animals listed above it doesn't take long to see what the Lord is calling us as His followers to behave and portray. 
• Sheep: These are naturally non-aggressive animals that are peaceful animals
• Wolves: roams the wild with a thirst for freedom working within a social environment
• What does all of this mean for us? 
• God calls us to be non aggressive, by separating from the pack of wolves we are the ones who receive the utmost freedom. By allowing God to direct our lives we then become not one of the heard and the world. Now the verse also states we are to be wise as serpents. Have you ever watching serpents hunting their prey? They gain the trust of the prey and then in a fast very orchestrated attack in one sweep of motion they demolish their prey. God isn't asking us to be dumb, or to sit and do nothing but what He is asking of us is to be purposeful, and to be peaceful ,and lastly we are to be innocent. We are to keep our hands clean of injustice towards others and in this day and age and what is going on it's not hard to see we are surrounded by many of wolves and many of people who claim christianity but forget what that entails. 
• God does not call us to hate those who are different than others, God does not call us to prevent those from better life, God does not call us to be spiteful of those who don't accept our faith. Further in to Chapter 10 we see this. 

Verse 20

"For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking THROUGH you."

• This is a very meaningful piece of scripture, something that I feel is of utmost importance to remember. It is NOT us who are to speak out on matters but THE LORD who is to speak THROUGH us. We are to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit to move. Often times we forget that the Lord is the one who is to express in the dark hour, it is the LORD who is supposed to be the one to reign over all things. 
• Often times we forget that the Lord is the one in control and we construde OUR OPINIONS as the LORD'S FACTS! Instead of speaking for God, let God speak for you

Verse 34 to 39

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the Earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

• The Lord isn't bringing peace to Earth but rather fighting for the Lost, and preparing us for battle. 
• Those who love others above God will be denied, choosing your children, parents, aunts or uncles, grandparents before you choose God and follow God's order for your life will lead to God denying you. God is to be above EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING not just the things that you want to put God before but above all of it. 
• Your enemies can be found in your own house: I know this one is a shocker but sit for a moment and let that sink in. How often has God placed something on your heart or a call on your life and you thought "My family would never understand this" or you actively pursue it but upon speaking about it with family you hear from them "How irresponsible, or immature, or they offer an alternative to what you feel God has placed on your heart." Rebuke it. This could be mom, dad, or even a spouse. No one is above this piece of scripture it is in the Bible for a reason. Our family is our greatest weakness or our greatest supports there is a reason that God warns us of enemies within our homes. 

All of the above being said I genuinely recommend you pray and really pursue God and what He expects and has called for your life. Pray that God gives you that check of if you are in the right place that God has for you or are you running and hiding from what God wants for you? Have you put your finances, family, and "practicality" above God? It's never to late to fix the path you are on. 

I pray for all of you that God will reach you where you are and bless you abundantly for accepting God's call and walking in faith. 

Baby Baby

Those of you who have followed my journey as a new wife, beagle mom, and recipe tester, you have read posts about my struggle with infertility. You've read about the hurts that my husband and I have faced and the insensitive remarks we have heard. When I share on here I always share my heart and share very honestly how I am feeling and thinking so that being said I wanted to be open and share our latest update for my husband and I with those who have prayed with us, for us, and been so supportive for us.

Are you ready for the big news?!

WE ARE EXPECTING!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW, CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

As of a couple days ago we hit our 11 week mark and the day after Valentine's Day we will be having our FIRST ULTRASOUND!!! We are so blessed and so excited for this new adventure! I want to say thank you so much for praying for us and being our support we found out with a home test on New Year's Eve, and was confirmed right after New Year's. What a way to start our year!!!

For those still struggling: 

I want you to know that I have not forgotten you, I have not let go of the hurt and the feelings of disappointment over and over again. While I know I am pregnant and you are struggling I want you to know I am still here for you, I still remember the hurt of finding out time after time that there is no baby, I remember hearing the words from doctor after doctor telling me without fertility treatments I more than likely would not carry a child and even with its a slim window, I did not forget the stinging hurt everytime someone told me they were with child, the feeling of having to smile and be happy for them meanwhile crying in private wondering if that would ever be me. Through this experience while I am eager and excited for this journey I want you to know I never want to EVER be insensitive to you. I will always be there for you. My encouragement to you is to keep your faith, to stay strong in the Lord even when your at your weakest. Let your heart express the hurt your feeling with God and take the time to let God speak life into you! I know what I am saying is hard and I know at times your not going to be able to follow through with it all but I need you to know I was there, I have journal upon journals to show the hurt, anguish, depression, and lostness that I had felt.

Lastly,
My Uncle said something so memorable to me while I was visiting family a week ago and we were discussing how it could be twins, and I was so scared and said "No I couldn't handle that" with all the joking aside and with the most calm, serious, loving, compassionate tone he responded with "You'll handle it perfectly because God only gives you what you can handle, and He will give you the resources you need, God is not limited in finances alone." That stuck with me and it still sticks with me. As hard as the hurt is that your feeling God is going to get you through it just stay faithful and remember that birthing a child isn't the only way to be a parent. Right before my husband and I found out we conceived we were ready to start looking into adoption and to be honest we still will probably look into it in time.

What a New Year

    Lot's of people during the end of a year will make a resolution for the new year, for new hopes, new dreams, new goals that they never felt was possible but because of the magic of the time changing and it being a whole new year, the calendar starting over, the times changing something happens within us big or small. We all have this inner thought of what we want differently for this year, or what we want to stay the same as the world changes.
    However, it also causes us to acknowledge the things that did not go our way the year previously, the hurt we went through, the hard times we shared, the lonely moments that no one knows about. We don't discuss those enough, at least I don't think so. We smile and say "I'm going to lose weight this year." or "I'm going to take dance lessons." or "I'm going to tell that person that I have been holding back from exactly how I feel." In reality though we very seldomly follow through. Why do I say such a depressing and glum thing? Because sometimes you have to face reality for what it is so you face the miracles of every day life, acknowledge the wrong that is going on to acknowledge the random, but wonderfully greeted peace we receive in very random and sporadic moments. Those, those are the moments we hold onto throughout the New Year, it's not the big hurtles we leap, it's not the speed of the race we run, it's not the place you take but the small still breathing in between those hurtles, and the determination of that race that we need to celebrate and not the place you receive but the fact that you finished while so many unfortunately did not and will not be celebrating another year.
      Why do I write about this today? Why on January 6th am I choosing to do this? Because already six days into the year there have been many changes to my life. Already 6 days into this year I have something to work towards, already I have failed a few times, but already I have gotten back up fixed my hair and got back to running the race of life.

My recommendation to you for this year, keep your new year resolutions in mind they aren't terrible to have, however add to it, something small but can make a huge significance, Make your New Year's resolution to "Accept and enjoy the peaceful moments, and conquer the hard ones, and know that every now and again it's okay to cry, and every now and again it's okay to feel defeated. It's a matter of what you do with the defeat you feel that makes the difference."

I'm praying for all of you who read this, and I hope that you pray for me as well, we are all on a journey hopefully with the same goal in mind.

To love God and love ourselves.
xoxo

the Happily Harding wife.